She's Just Snarky

E lives across the street from Lucy#1’s house in Texas. She and her husband, K, are the nicest people in the world! They are in their 50s. They watched out for Lucy#1 from the time she moved in across the street from them until she moved out to come up here. By “watched out for” I mean they recommended workmen she needed, brought her a plate when they cooked a big meal, took her to Tyler to buy a new TV when hers died, checked her mail when she was out of town, and more and more and more, including watching every morning to make sure her lights turned on and she went out on the porch to smoke at the usual time. They threw her a going-away party and got a little teary saying goodbye. They love Lucy#1 and it’s obvious in every way.

This morning as I was leaving for work, the phone rang. Since I was walking right by it, I answered, and E was on the line. I mentioned her by name so Lucy#1 would know who was calling, told E I was on my way out the door so I was going to hand the phone off to Lucy#1, and handed Lucy#1 the phone. Her reaction was to say in her snarkiest voice (with the phone in her hand), “What does she want?” Then she put the phone to her ear and spoke to E in her most pleasant manner.

I was so horrified that I did not leave for work, but waited for the call to end. As it turns out, E was calling from her car on the way to Dallas where her husband had just been taken for emergency surgery after a serious injury at work. E wanted to let Lucy#1 know about the injury and the surgery because she thought Lucy#1 would want to know, as indeed E would want to know were the roles reversed.

When the call ended and the information about the surgery had been imparted to me I said, “You know, when you said, “What does she want?” E probably heard you. She has been very good to you, she loves you, and when you said that, it probably hurt her feelings.” Lucy#1 replied, “I didn’t say it that loud.” I reiterated the rudeness and hurtfulness of her question and her snarky voice. She just looked at me for a moment, then went on to give me more details of how K’s injury occurred.

Lucy#1 has always been this way. I pray the dementia is not making her behavior worse, but I do worry about that since she has always been snarky and dementia will often greatly magnify one’s core traits: nice people are even nicer and mean people are not nice at all.

Lucy#1 has usually been sneaky-snarky regarding others (talking behind their backs, or saying snarky things in a snarky tone when they can’t hear her), but she has always been snarky right to my sister’s and my faces, and it got worse after our dad died. Who can count the number of times I hung up from talking to her on the phone and cried for an hour? I thank my husband for insisting I remember that if my feelings were hurt, it was because I let her hurt them, and teaching me how to deal with her without ending every phone call in tears!

I don’t know if her snarkiness is a reaction to being frightened of the world (which she is, and I don’t care how many times she says, "If anyone messes with me, I will kick their ass.") or if she is simply turning into her own mother, who was one of the worst sneaky-snarks I’ve ever seen in action. Whatever the cause, the result is awful.

I hope E did not hear Lucy#1’s hurtful question. If she did, E knows Lucy#1 well enough that I’m pretty sure E will blow the snarkiness off, but it bothers me that she may even for a moment been hurt by my mother when she was already suffering because of K’s injury.

And so I wonder …… since I certainly cannot control the way Lucy#1 speaks to and treats others, is it now my responsibility to try to soothe the feelings hurt by my mother’s unkindness?

 

 

Lord Jesus, please help us! Amen.